As I sat down on her couch, tears welling in my eyes as the Savage Garden song playing in reception echoed buried emotions from my adolescence which were bubbling to the surface then and there, I knew I had stepped over the invisible line I hold between my past and my future. I was about to embark on a healing journey so much greater than I realised I needed.

I’ve always been quite content just moving through moments as they are, without letting them really take over my everyday life or playing out a million different scenarios tricking my mind into making a mountain out of a molehill, yet since becoming a mother I’ve encountered a lot of underlying emotions, memories and feelings that I didn’t realise would every come to confront me. Apparently, it’s quite common.

When you become a parent, you begin to question elements from your own life and childhood and consider which of those you want to incorporate into your own parenting style and formation of your own child’s values, relationships, general upbringing and everything in between.

To be honest, my pregnancy was probably my most favourite time of my life as far as feeling deeply connected to myself and my purpose in this lifetime. I loved it. But, it was also intertwined with emotions such as a fear of abandonment – something I didn’t realise until I commenced my first therapy session this past month.

We had had a miscarriage before falling pregnant again with Spencer, so while my pregnancy was lovely, there was a part of me that was also nervous about holding on tight so that she would hang around to meet us. This anxiety later infiltrated my early days of parenthood as I was so highly strung on doing everything by the book and ‘right’ as a mother to a newborn to ensure she was the healthiest and happiest bub; something that as a parent you can never control, and if you’re familiar with our early days, feeding wasn’t an easy journey. Those new emotions, plus being in a small regional town without family or friends to pop in each day to say hi and to talk to about it and reassure me that we were doing okay was adding to my loneliness both physically and mentally.

I find the mind-body connection fascinating. Emotional scars we had from our younger years are stored in our body, and we don’t realise the mark they leave on us until we’re confronted with a scenario that mirrors that which the wound first infiltrated our reality. If un-confronted, it’s kept in our subconscious to remind us that we will one day need to meet it, release it and heal that part of ourselves. For me, as uncovered through my therapy session and subsequent reflections later, this part of me had started to creep in and manifest through my experience in this new phase of life.

Through childhood moments, I had developed a ‘let’s keep the peace, get on with it, don’t burden others, they’re busy, you’ll be right and don’t leave me’ mixing bowl of feelings which as an adult never registered because I subconsciously made these childhood emotions my adult mantras.

When I was 19 I felt my most independent, but also reached my peak of feeling most alone. While I was surrounded by friends and kept busy with fun activities, work and study I was simultaneously growing apart from my social circle and craved a change from the group, the daily activities and realised that my personal goals were not going to be achieved if I stayed where I was. My parents were separated from each other and chasing their own dreams, and I was left to figure out my next step. For my birthday that year, I decided that I wanted to commit to myself in a huge way and I craved a companion that would be with me through thick and thin, and to do life with – unconditionally. For that buddy to snuggle up with me, or to go to the beach with. To have someone to turn to when I needed support, encouragement and reliability that I couldn’t depend on friends and family for at that time.

That day I met my best friend, and outside my husband and daughter, probably one of the greatest loves of my life; a beautiful silky terrier, who I named Coco (I was working for Chanel at the time, and it felt right to name her after someone I admired and who I wanted to co-create a wonderful life with). It was true, deep love and I had never felt more whole than I did when I held her in my arms that day. Sadly last year, after 15 incredible years and whole lotta experiences together, it was her time to leave the Earth plane. It’s been nearly six months since her passing, and I quite literally shed a tear about her loss every day. Not just because I miss her physical presence and personality, but because she was represented so much more to be than just being ‘a dog’.

You see, she was my rock. Always there. Unconditionally. Outside of myself, Coco was my comfort, my home, my heart, my support, my best friend, my teacher, my confidant, my everything. And, as I navigated a new season of life as a mother, my furry little shadow wasn’t there to guide me and comfort me as she always had done through every other monumental stage of my life. Upon reflection, I know that all along I was the one who was my rock. Coco’s presence taught me that I was worthy of what I felt I was missing from external sources and that I actually could give myself everything I thought I was missing; she was just along for the ride.

I have a lot of elements swirling around in my mind and heart at the moment and am in the midst of learning how to confront them in a healing and healthy way to best move forward, both within myself and to be honest with the people who have contributed over time to these instrumentally shaping mindset behaviours. It’s really hard to articulate that you wish to break a cycle of ancestral emotional actions that at the time, way back when I was 5, 15, or 25 somehow landed deep within my mind (and to be stored in my body through tension and stress) show up whenever similar behaviours or scenarios are presented again in my now 35th year of life.

Most importantly to me though is that I never pass on these – for now, unresolved – subconscious issues, behaviours or emotions to Spencer through my responses to her, modelled behaviours or responses/explanations of situations in our life together. I never want her to feel like she’s been left alone, or that I’m not here to support her and encourage her through her moments.

So, why did that Savage Garden song tigger me in my psychologist’s reception? Well, if you’re familiar with the song ‘To The Moon and Back’ there are a few key phrases that resonate to the sentiment of my adolescence.

It truly is SO wild, and goes so much deeper than we believe possible. In the same breath though, I truly believe that investing in seeing a psychologist has been one of the most positive, sound and powerful decisions I’ve ever made for myself.

The release, recognition and healing that I’m beginning to experience is indescribable.

While I’m in the early days, and feel that I still need to navigate and process a lot, I’m so optimistic about my ability to move through this season of life with grace and with, for the first time in my life, the ability to guilt-free put myself and my little family (J and Spenny) first and foremost, without feeling burdened by the expected obligatory wants and needs of me by others. It’s freeing and delightful to be here and understand this for myself.

Some tangible takeaways through this process so far have been:

• Allow yourself time to let it unfold and when emotions creep in to your reality or responses to a particular situation, notice it first and ask why it triggers you. Check in with yourself, take a breath and if it’s something you can address then and there, in a polite graceful manner, do. If it’s not appropriate, make a little note in your phone to reflect on it when you do have time to do so. While confrontation isn’t always the answer, confronting the issue and they way it makes you feel is important for yourself and your own healing.
• Spend time alone doing what fills you up. Enjoy what makes you happy and allow your mind to be free from mental, pointless chatter by filling it up instead with your favourite hobby.
• Journal, reflect, meditate and breath.

While I know this particular blog is more about me sharing a tiny portion of my personal journey, I do hope that if you are in a season of life that is providing you with a ‘life lesson’ that it encourages you to begin your healing journey, too.

Love, Sammy x